The hypocritical oath

Posted: October 24, 2010 in Uncategorized

I often frequent a coffee shop not far from where I live. On one particular evening I managed to piss of a Christian by means of holding another Christian to their own supposed value system.

What led to this lady Christian (Ebony – not her real name) becoming irate with me was that I was in conversation with another lady friend of mine (Alyssa) who is engaged to one of my good friends (Tim). Alyssa has it in her mind that I need a lady companion to accompany me to her and Tim’s wedding. I made it quite clear that I would by no means hold Alyssa to finding someone for me. She decides that it is her fundamental mission to make sure that I have someone and that she is the key person to help me find someone. Well if theres one thing i’ve learned in life its a practice of futility to discourage someone from something when they’ve got their heart set on it.

So Alyssa sets me up with her friend Angie (Angela). We’re supposed to be perfect for each other. To quote Good Will Hunting, “You’re not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you’ve met, she’s not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you’re perfect for each other.” Well I can save myself any suspense. Angela is not perfect for me, far from it. A fine woman with her share of quirks – not to be confused with quarks, heh.

However Alyssa kept pushing for me to ask Angela out. Pushing like a steam-roller. She introduced us, fine. That’s the furthest anyone has the right to go when its two other people. So to get Alyssa off my back I gave her two bits to chew on: 1) I made the drive personally down to Houston on my own time and my own dime. I live in Arlington. That’s North Texas for the geographically uneducated. The drive to Houston is round about 3-4 hours given traffic. 2) I told her I did ask her out, which I confess is a fib. Well, frankly thats your textbook white lie. And if you really want to cut the meat with that then I shall expose the fact that Alyssa lied to me about her and Tim’s engagement being entirely non-sexual. Personally I don’t care that I was lied to. I’m quite glad at the fact in all fairness. It’s simply not the most healthy habit to deny yourself sex especially if you’re already engaged to be married. Seriously? Get to bumping and grinding. Who are you trying to fool? If you don’t ensure sexual compatibility how can you be sure your marriage will be successful?

So I get a bit fed up with Alyssa being a hypocrite and an over-bearing individual. I tell as such to Angie. That Alyssa’s a bit invasive of Angela’s and my fledgling relationship; that she needs to back off and give us room to breath. Well then I become the bad guy. Alyssa decides to accuse me of both lying and “talking shit behind her back.” Right on one count. I’ll confess to a certain degree of dishonesty. I said Angela and I are an item, but indeed we both agreed upon a non-exclusive open relationship. She can see whom ever else she pleases and same for me. In what way is this any of Alyssa’s business? Short answer: it’s not.

Well back to the conversation I have with Alyssa that spawned my irritating Ebony. I decide to play the scapegoat for the sake of appeasing Alyssa, which unfortunately helped almost none. I asked her, wasn’t it Jesus who said to forgive others lest you be forgiven? Alyssa tried to bs me by saying she didn’t believe Christ would forgive her. Um, more bullshit.

Then why are you about to go pray to him for it?

Well I decided then to call her on her own hypocrisy and ask her whether she thought that my lie about the status of my relationship with Angela was worse than her lying to me about her and Tim’s sexual itinerary (again, no I didn’t care)? Apparently my lie was worse. She had no justification for how, but sure as Im writing this my lie was worse than hers. Whatever. So I decided she simply couldn’t be reasoned with – she’s religious, what was I thinking?

So I give a brief rundown of that conversation to Ebony emphasizing my point of transparency. You’re a Christian: forgive not and you shant be; forgive and you shall be rewarded. To further this I shall include the lord’s prayer:

Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our sins
as we forgive those who sin against us.
Save us from the time of trial
and deliver us from evil.

Ebony decided she really liked this. Why shouldn’t she, it is transparency at its best. Then as if an epiphany bitch-slapped her in the face she looks at me incredulously and asks, “Wait, aren’t you an atheist?”

“Yes indeed.”

She just about flips, “You’re not allowed to do that.”

Excuse me, why in the hell not? What does my being an atheist have to do with holding an individual’s living by standard xyz to that standard? Well Ebony had nothing to substantiate her claim. As far as she’s concerned atheists arent allowed to hold Christians to a standard they don’t themselves follow. As Gregory House said, “If you could reason with religious people they would cease to be religious people.”


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